Most of the problems with this essay are not related to the grammatical use of English. That is fine.
It's not uncommon for people to revert to babytalk and infantile ideas when they are aware that their vocabulary is limited.
Resist that tendency.
This essay was not worth reading, and only partly because the assigned topic makes it hard to come up with anything worthwhile to say. It makes it hard -- but not impossible. You should have done more work to express these banal ideas in a more appealing way -- varied sentence structure, maybe, and a spicier vocabulary.
Almost everybody has a mobile phone. But is it a great invention? I think there are both advantages and disadvantages.
> This is a poor intro. It has no life, no "snap." It doesn't draw the reader in. It is plodding, obvious, and dull.
> For a tiny piece like this one, the opening sentence should be what is called a "hook." A hook grabs the reader's attention and makes him want to read the following passage.
> Until you do the mental work to come up with an intro that is a "hook," don't bother to write one at all. A bad intro is worse than none.
> Delete these sentences
Today, mobile phones have become popular to everybody since they are convenient.
> It's not easy to come up with something interesting to say when the material is self-evident.
> But don't make it worse by using the most stodgy and boring sentence structure available.
Because of the great convenience of mobile phones, they are now a modern-day must-have -- the 21st century equivalent of a businessman's fountain pen.
The most advantage of having a mobile phone is you can communicate to your family, your friends, and your business no matter what where you are.
> If you must say the self-evident, at least try to make the expression fresh or lively.
Jetting to Europe or stalled in traffic, with your mobile phone you're always in touch with your family, your friends, and your business.
We also use special applications for listening music, playing games, surfing the net, and texting messages.
> The problem with writing down something that everyone already knows is that it makes it sound like you are writing a story for people who are six years old.
> It is crucial that you remove that problem by saying these infantile things in a spicy or interesting way.
Special apps for texting, listening to music, playing games, and surfing the web keep ourphones plugged into our heads around the clock.
> "Besides that" means "in addition to that"
> You use "besides that" when you are going to add more of the same
> But in this case, you are not adding more of the same
> You are turning the direction of your remarks around
> For that use, the correct conjunction is "but"
there are lots of disadvantages.
> This ends rather abruptly
> for a better transition, add something more
be careful. There are also some disadvantages to using our beloved cellies.
Using mobile phones can harm our brains, especially for those who are under the age of sixteen.
> Unless "we" are all under the age of 16, it is better to refer to it as "the brain," rather than "our brains."
> Since this is far from a known fact, it is better to place the data in the opinions of SOME people
Some researchers have claimed that mobile phones are harmful to the brain, especially for children.
Excessive use of mobile phones has been accused of causing dizziness, and "radiations emmitted from the phone are dead harmful for the eardrum" , say many scientists.
> "Many" scientists do not say this, and it is no doubt scientifically false
> ONE scientist said this
> He even used a slang expression in his quote: "dead harmful" is not standard English; it is a personal idiosyncrasy of speech.
> The remark is in quotation marks, which means that it is a direct quote directly from the mouth of a specific person
> "Many scientists" did not stand up all at once and chant this line, so you can't attribute a specific utterance to a group.
> If you don't know his name, you can write "according to a publicity-seeking quack quoted in a tabloid journal of bad repute" or something like that
> "emitted" is spelled wrong
Excessive use of mobile phones has been accused of causing dizziness, and "radiations emitted from the phone are dead harmful for the eardrum," according to one researcher in the field.
In addition, when we use mobile phones while we are driving, we will get in an accident.
> This is logically false, and the ridiculous and simplistic nature of statements like this contribute to making this piece infantile
> Using cell phones probably increases the risk of accidents
> It is now considered un-PC to call them "accidents" on the grounds that they are caused by avoidable driver misconduct
> traffic accidents are now called "car crashes"
In addition, using a mobile phone while driving hikes the risk of getting into a car crash.
In summary, mobiles are a great invention but they still have many issues. You have to protect yourself from the bad effects of mobiles if you choose to have one.
> Just delete this on the grounds that it is not adding a single thing that would repay the reader the trouble of seeing it.
> It is not interesting, amusing, entertaining, informative, new, or any of the millions of other reasons why we might read something.
> Do some mental work to think of "What would be good to say in conclusion? What can I say to wrap this up that would be good to read?"
> A teeny piece like this, with almost no ideas in it, does not need a "summary."
> You might give it a "conclusion" just so it doesn't end so abruptly
> But a conclusion is not just a dull repeat of the self-evident and dull stuff that we JUST HEARD 15 SECONDS AGO!!!
> Not unless you are writing for people who are 6.
> You can't say "they have issues." It's ridiculous.
> Think of some interesting way to CLOSE the passage, not "summarize" it.
This is an exercise my teacher has given me. Please check for my mistakes in this essay. Thanks in advance.
Discuss about the advantages and disadvantages of mobile phones.
People often focus on the benefits of the mobile phones and are not aware of its disadvantages, of which there are many.
For one thing, mobile phones often disturb people in public places because of the unawareness of the owners. No one can deny that mobile phones are fast and convenient means of communication, you can keep contact with everyone in the world wherever they are. However, it is also the reason why people tend to have their mobile phones on all the time, which can cause a disturbance when they ring. For example, when you are having a meeting and everyone is paying attention to the speaker, your mobile phone suddenly rings louder and louder. The meeting must be interrupted and you will be so embarrassed with others.
In addition, the use of mobile phones sometimes reduces the efficiency in your study and in your work. We all know that mobile phones are also means of entertainment with many functions to help you chat with friends, listen to music, send messages,... Those always attract people, especially the ones who are teenagers so that they cannot concentrate on their lessons in the class. Statistics show that in many countries, parents draw the line at letting their children use mobile phones to make them learn better.
Mobile phones can be considered as mini-computers with more and more modern generations. They cause a tendency in people all over the world to buy the top-of-the-range mobiles that express their styles, characters, etc. For that reason, each year a large sum of money has been wasted in buying new mobile phones and solving the problems of decomposing the old ones while we can use this money to support many poor countries in the world to make the life of the people there better. It is clear that mobile phones bring a lot of problems to our life.
In conclusion, I think people should learn how to use the mobile phones properly before buying them, which is the mobile culture. Mobile phones are not bad themselves, it just depends on the way we use them.